I just watched the clip of Michael Richards' apology for his racist tirade at an L.A. comedy club a few days ago. Watching him struggle through talking about what he said was extremely uncomfortable for me. He looked shell-shocked. I can relate to the feeling of not only having to own up to my less-than-stellar actions, but also the inner struggles which are moved to the light when these things occur.
I think we rarely acknowledge our most evident flaws, much less those tendencies which linger much deeper within us. Over the past few days I have been exposed on several occasions to the sin (I don't use that word near enough anymore) of pride that lingers in my being. To be honest, Beth's seemingly innocuous comment about me being "into myself" kind of shook me up. Yesterday's post was in response to that, and I stand behind the words I wrote and the spirit in which they were written. But consider this the flipside of that post: I care way too much about myself and my needs and my reputation, and not enough about others.
In losing Kyle I feel I've lost the person who had an eye on my blind-spots and the permission I'd given him to point out where I am lacking, and this is one of those areas. We used to talk a lot about our human condition. It's sinful. It's dirty. It's messy. In fact, I'll go ahead and tell you what Kyle would say about it and hope I don't ruin your illusion of who he was-- "The way we are is totally fucked up." I think there's no better way to describe this mess we are in. There is beauty in the world and in our own lives and the fingerprints of God's image are everywhere around and within us, but we are also still on the other side of glory where that damn original sin thing just keeps kicking us in the ass on a daily basis, and we rarely know what to do about it.
So we come face to face with our demons, stumble through our apologies, wallow in embarrasment at our actions and feelings, and give thanks to a God who has, through the way of Christ, provided an alternative and far greater life than the one we feel we deserve.