In the past I've heard people talk about the numbness. The disbelief. In the past I thought I knew what they were talking about, but I had no idea.
Before October 30 I assumed the numbness associated with grief was a sort of walking nothingness. An emptiness characterized by something being taken away. But it seems that the only thing taken away has been Kyle. And in his place is not nothing...It's something. It's like a dense chunk of metallic matter that cannot be removed from any of my moments. It's in my pockets. It's on my shoulder.
Emptiness is not nothing. It's something. It's something large and impenetrable.
And it makes me ask questions that there are no answers for.
How do I live in a world without Kyle?
When I'm really excited about something, who will I call?
What does Craig at 32...45...73, experiencing life, love, marriage, kids, changes, hilarious times, sad times... do without Kyle?
When is it ok to cry again? When will I stop feeling the something that is nothing?
Yeah, I feel the numbness alright. And it's a damn bitch if you ask me.