Friday, May 14, 2004


I read something from someone not too long ago (working at a bookstore makes it hard to remember "who's" or "whens" so "someone" and "not too long ago" will have to suffice) that said the idea that belief is a one time thing that you step into, never to return, is a load of crap. I'm sure they didn't use "load of crap," but I'll bet they wanted to.

Maybe it was Thomas Merton.

Anyway, what this particular author said was that he had to wake up every morning and choose to believe. More importantly, for his belief to mean anything, he had to wake up every morning, read the New York Times to catch up on all the tragedy and disaster in the world, and then make a conscience choice to believe in God.

Sometimes, after reading the papers, he didn't believe in God.

But on the few days that he woke up, read the paper, and made a choice to believe, that belief was strong and eternal and enough to drown out all the unbelief days.

Or something along those lines.

I rarely wake up and make a deliberate decision to believe. In fact, over the past year or so, there has hardly been a time when I was deliberate about anything concerning being a Christian.

I don't feel this is a good thing.

But on some occasions I make it a point to go through the rituals that centuries of people who believe have found to be helpful in being a Christian, in seeking to know and interact with and wrestle with God, such as praying and reading my bible and other such things.

But I rarely feel those things are enough to drown out my "unbelief days."

If this seems random, this is one of my "pushing through" posts in which I'm just trying to write. To be faithful to this thing I seek to create.

Wow, what a concept. Pushing through. Being faithful. Getting the words down in hopes that something good will spring up out of all the muck.

Halle Berry just came into my mind. Actually Blake just crossed my mind because he called and we talked for a few minutes. Wait, let me check....21 minutes to be exact. But before that, Halle Berry crossed my mind.

And not in the way she normally crosses my mind.

I remember an interview with her after she won her Oscar a couple of years back. The interview was trying to be Oprah and get to the heart of Halle Berry and make her cry when thinking about her past. The question was something along the lines of (with a very sentimental, tear inducing tone..) "Halle, after all you've been through, how did you do it?" To which point she says "Well, I decided I was going to."

And all the fluff just faded away and it came down to a person making a decision and doing it.

And after God has done all he can do in extraordinary, flashy, deeply moving ways, it really all comes down to me saying, "This morning I decide to believe."

I want that.

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