(sitting on a couch, fireplace in the background, my dog Jane taking a nap next to me, me staring into the camera...and, ACTION!)
Dear Fellow Citizens of Central Texas,
I have sought to remain out of the public eye as much as possible. My week primarily consists of going from home to work and back. I am happy with this rhythm as it allows me to live in simplicity, which is to say, how God intended it.
Yet I have a firm conviction that when the time is right, and duty calls, It is my civic responsibility to step out of my zone of comfort and actually do something to make this world a better place. Although I haven't sought this, you have spoken and I am listening. This is why I am announcing this morning the formation of an exploratory committee to assess the feasibility of me seeking the office of Central Texas' most eligible bachelor.
I met last night with representatives of the Waco Tribune Herald, who will be administering the selection process. Our time together was extremely productive. I was pleased with the intensity with which they are approaching this very serious choice you will have to make. They did not shy away from the difficult questions, like "what do you do in your free time?," and "for you, what would be a perfect date?" And I did not shy away from answering them.
I know, however, that my opponents will raise other concerns about my candidacy. Before these attacks begin, let me go ahead and address a couple of them right off the bat.
-- Hotness. It is not clear yet whether this competition is for Central Texas' "Hottest" or "Most Eligible" Bachelor. Either way, "hotness" will more than likely play a factor. It is true, I have never, by any stretch of the imagination, been considered "hot." I have a receding hairline. My facial features could be described as plain at best. At my most fit, I'm still a little soft around the midsection.
But there are a few things that fall outside the traditional categories that my other "hot" competitors are probably lacking. The most prominent being my well defined calves. Sure, the only reason these two beasts are so sexy is because of the many years they were forced to carry close to 300 lbs., but that is neither here nor there.
It was pointed out to me last night by a mildly attractive and somewhat fit divorce' at the La Fiesta bar that I have dimples. I understand that someone acknowledging the presence of dimples does not necessarily imply attractiveness. But I can assure you, and my friend Britt, who was there, can attest to this fact, that while the words of her statement were "You have dimples," the implication behind those words were clearly, "Will you please have sex with me tonight?"
Sure, I do not fit the commonly held notion of what "hot" is. But I shower daily. I've learned from my coworker Carol (in several very harsh reprimands) that soap and water are not sufficient facial cleaners. Because of this I have begun to exfoliate, and you can see the difference. The winter months have taken a toll on my briefly trim body, but I will be taking steps to remedy this by returning to the gym. While I will never grace the covers of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, or even the Goody's insert in your local Sunday paper, I have a certain understated quality to my look. Everyman. Rugged, even.
--Fashion. Of all my past indiscretions, this is perhaps the gravest. I have no one to blame for my failings in this area except my ignorance and apathy. I went for years not only in the dark about what "tapered" means, but also that they were not an appropriate cut for jeans. I had no idea, until recently, that brown shoes and black pants don't go together. I'm still struggling with issues of tuck and untucked.
Yet I believe the solution to my problem isn't denying it, but accepting it and surrounding myself with brightest and most knowledgeable experts in the field. I am currently taking advice from people who have vast experience in dressing men. Top tier names like Carol Witte and Jen Lake are working around the clock trying to find a way to help me improve in this area.
You don't need me to tell you that these are perilous and trying times. You have all lived for years under the difficult umbrella of not knowing who Central Texas' Most Eligible Bachelor is. I want you to rest assured that I feel your pain. The mountains are high. Treacherous are the paths that lead to the promised land. They are teeming with bands of ill-wishers who would rather us not have a Most Eligible Bachelor. But we will succeed. We MUST succeed. With your help, I will lead us to victory in this epic struggle.
May God bless you. And may God continue to bless the marketing and distribution area of the Waco Tribune Herald, (including those with access to the Trib at www.wacotrib.com.)