Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Names...

I have some advice. If there is a restaurant or retail store you visit on a regular basis, you should let the staff know your name fairly quickly. If you don't, they will make one up for you, and you may not like it. Trust me on this.

Bavarian Phenology came into the store a few years ago on a quest to demean anyone and everyone who came across his path. He told a bookseller that we didn't have anything of substance, but he guessed that was typical since no one in Waco could read beyond a Hallmark greeting card level anyway. He asked for a title which we know doesn't exist because it doesn't appear in our search engine, which has just about every book that has ever existed. He argued for a while. Our bookseller finally asked if there was anything else she could do for him. He said he was looking for a book about certain subject, but that she was probably too dumb to even understand what he was asking about. She asked him to make an attempt. He told her he was looking for a book exploring how the weather patterns in an ancient region in what is now southern Germany affected the migration patterns of a certain bird. She thought about it for a split second and replied "So, you're looking for something on Bavarian Phenology?" The embarrassed look on his faced was worth a million dollars in gold. From that moment on Julius (his real name) became Bavarian Phenology.

I found out the other day that Check Man is really named Carl. But Carl will never be Carl to me because ever since I have been working at B&N Carl has come to our cafe ten minutes before we close on Sundays to purchase a Venti Pepsi and to sit down to balance his checkbook. Occasionally Check Man throws me for a loop and comes in on a Saturday night. I kid you not, when this happens I seriously begin to question whether or not the day is actually Sunday. The first time it happened I freaked out because I thought I had forgotten to go to church. One time Check Man thought he lost his check book and accused me of knowing who took it and of suppressing the truth. He found it at home later and came back to apologize. I suspect Check Man has mental issues stemming from combat of some kind, but he is generally a very nice man.

Our newest I have dubbed "Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady." Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady is the bad parent of a very well behaved 6th grade girl. The reason I know the girl is in 6th grade is because the first time I remember them coming into the store was to find a book about how to succeed in 6th grade. The reason I know Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady is a bad parent is because she came into the store with her daughter at 9:45 p.m. the day before Waco schools began this past fall. Who has their 6th grader out at 9:45 p.m. the night before school? Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady wears a beaded head thingy with a crystal hanging down her forehead. She's crazy, as she occasionally wears a T-Shirt advertising her phone number, which you can call if you want information on obtaining healing crystals. I really shouldn't be this judgemental, but I swear Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady is just plain crazy.

So if you are going to frequent a place, and especially if you are a wacko, you may want to introduce yourself very quickly.

12 comments:

Jeanne Damoff said...

Great advice, Deep Dimpled Word Herder! Thanks.

J.T. said...

I changed my mind. This one is definitely my favorite post ever.

Also, thanks to Jeanne Damoff for the best comment of the day, so far. I think she might be flirting with you, Craiggy....

jenA said...

ahahahaha. we totally have people like that at the ecg. One we simply call crazy lady, aka grocery shopper who doesn't tip worth crap.

Katy said...

So, I decided after last night trying to negotiate a better lease agreement on my new car, I am now "stupid whore who cries and brings her dad to the dealership." Or something like that. I KNOW they probably have a name for me. Bitches.

Josh said...

Making up names for people doesn't really work at Blockbuster because you see their names when you check movies out to them. But that doesn't keep the customers from doing really weird things.

Michelle said...

For some reason money and affluence also allows one to be crazy as bat shit, even at places such as Whole Foods, where one might imagine waterfalls, peaceful music and holding hands for ending world hunger (yes, I know that is what you think). But no, we have: The Lice Picker, Crazy Soup Lady (who rubs soup on her legs and then calls me a woman hater at the top of her lungs), Chicken Scammer, Bad Meat Guy (uh? Context anyone?), and Susan. We don't really have a made up name for her, she is that crazy.

Michelle said...

Oh and I forgot the best one: Chester the Molester who once asked a pregnant TM for her afterbirth.

Um...ew.

Michelle said...

Oh geez, this is getting embarassing:

TM = Team Member

Aaron said...

I can see Adam Sandler doing one of his Halloween costume bits:

"Hey, I'm Crazy Crystal on the Head Lady! Can't you see? I gotta CRYSTAL on my HEAD! Isn't that CRAZY?! Gimme some candy!"

Craig said...

Michelle,

First of all, gross-- asked for her afterbirth?

Second, I'm glad you posted this because I had forgotten that you worked for Whole Foods. A girl I work with is trying to get an internship with you guys and I told her I knew someone who worked there, I just couldn't remember who. Now I remember.

tracey fields said...

we TOTALLY did this at starbucks...i mean, we called people by their drink name...a decaf quad venti nonfat w/whip latte....but we also called them other things...hehehehe.

ruth said...

in the dillards girls department we have Lady Who Makes Her Daughter Try On Every Article of Clothing Imaginable And Then Buys Nothing After Leaving the Dressing Room Trashed. And don't forget Woman Who Works at Dillards Corporate Office Who Reminds You of That Fact 10 Times While She Is Shopping and Won't Shut Up about The Fact That Her Daughter's Picture Is Hanging In the Infant Girls Department.