Thoughts

Strange as it sounds, there is a sadness that I willingly embrace. The melancholy that is brought about by a cold morning in which work doesn't beckon is, in some odd way, enjoyable. Perhaps it's just me embracing the great hope of our generation that our whole life is like a movie. This particular scene in my movie is a sad part, but one that is necessary.

Or, perhaps there is a substantive reason for my spirits being down. There are minor tragedies that go on in each of our lives every single day, every minute even, that are so small they seem insignificant at the time. Just a passing memory of the act of hurting someone in the past flicks a minute chink off our armor. The coming and going of friends in and out of our lives, with the going out of being more abundant than the coming into, ... another chink. Not meeting the expectations that you and others once held up for yourself, another chink. Opportunities for truth telling and tender moments passed up for another conversation that serves the purpose of suppressing out true feelings and desensitizing out inner feelings, another. The feeling that somewhere along the way you took a minor misstep that jarred you out of God's intended rhythym for your life... not a big thing, just something small, another chink.

All these things taken alone are manageable. Just work a little harder, try harder for laughs, and move on. But when, over time, the chinks in the armor add up to a major whole, we've got trouble. And all it takes is the petri dish of a day off, combined with a cold and cloudy weather pattern and a few days of not being in contact with close friends, and wham, bring on the sadness.

But maybe, just maybe, there is another reason for this melancholy. Maybe a higher purpose is being served. Maybe, as elementary as it sounds, God is using this laboratory of feeling in a way to bring me back to a simple truth I learned as a kid and have had reinforced over and over again: I need God.