For the most part my summer has been a happy experience, much as Harris has described it. But for the past few days my emotions have been the B sides of those verses in Ecclesiastes that say there's a time for the good stuff and a time for the bad stuff.
With every disappointment at work at every fear of change and every frustration I have with people, I feel I'm back in the backside at church, watching Kyle slip around that corner after peaking in to smile and giggle at me. But this time I know he's not coming back and I've lost my main confidante, the one who listened the most and cared about my everyday life more genuinely than anyone else in the entire world.
Adding to my tears as the sun sets tonight over Waco are some lyrics from Emmylou Harris' Bang the Drum Slowly-- "Gone now is the day, and gone the sun/ There is peace tonight all over Arlington/ But the song of my life will still be sung/ By the light of the moon you hung." The song tears my insides out.
I know we win in the end. And I'm not just saying that. I really believe all that good stuff about the future hope we have been given because Christ defeated death and that we will also be victors. I grew up singing Victory in Jesus and That Uncloudy Day and am no longer cynical about that eschatological DNA that flows through my blood.
But that doesn't make me less tired of all the bullshit that I have to put up with without having Kyle here. It's hard for me to remember what life was like before him and I am baffled at the fact I've made it this long without him.