(From a conversation I had this afternoon...)
Me: So what did you boys learn about in Sunday School yesterday?
Jude: We didn't go to Sunday School today.
Me: I know, you went yesterday. Remember I saw you there?
Sutton: I remember I saw you there!
Jude: Oh, yeah.
Me: So do you remember what you learned about in Sunday School yesterday?
Sutton: Jesus.
Me: Really? Who is Jesus?
Jude: God!
Sutton: Yeah, God. Well... some people call him God and some people call him Jesus, but some people just call him God.
Me: Is that so?
Sutton: Yes, but he's still the same person.
Me: So where is Jesus?
Sutton: In heaven!
Me: Who else is in heaven?
Sutton and Jude in twinison: Daddy!
Me: That's right. What do you think your daddy is doing in heaven right now?
Sutton: ummm, well, he's probably....well, um...um...um...um...
Jude: Playing Games!
Sutton: Yeah! Playing games!
Me: Really? What kind of games do you think he's playing?
Jude: Jesus games!!!
______________________
I've written elsewhere about our church building... the art, rooms, ambience, and the power of place. One of the my favorite parts of the building doesn't get talked about much. In fact, it's probably only seen by around a half-dozen people weekly and hasn't been talked about in months. I'm speaking of a sheet of paper located just inside the door of the nursery that instructs children's workers on how to talk to the Lake kids about their dad. It tells them not to say things like "Daddy is just sleeping" and "Daddy is underground" and the most horrible "Jesus took Daddy away."
The reason I love this so much is because it speaks of a community of faith that has been proactive in dealing with the death of our friend, of their father. But it also is a powerful reminder to me that the things we say, and refrain from saying, to children are often the things we should be saying, and refraining from saying, to each other. I wish I could have given the sheet of paper to my parents so they would know what to and not to say to me over the past year.
My previous post wasn't a cry for understanding. It was a desire to elevate my knowledge of God and Jesus beyond what I have learned over the years and to attain the maturity of Jude and Sutton Lake.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
"It's bigger than we thought
It's taller than it ought to be
This pile of rubble and ruins"
-- Nichole Nordeman
It seems about once a week these days that a new book whose subject is American Evangelicalism comes across my path. As is usually the case when there is a resurgence in interest of a particular subject, I read one and the rest just seems to say the same thing but in a different way and chronicling another angle. As I mentioned a few weeks ago I read Lauren Sandler's Righteous: Dispatches from the Evangelical Youth Movement. Since then this and this and this have all come across my path and I can't help but think how there has never been something that is such a large part of my life been of interest to the public at large as right now.
Until several years ago I heard the word evangelical and thought, more or less, of someone who is a Christian and who thought everyone else should be as well. That has remained steady but now it seems to mean so much more and I have come to a fork in the road where I have to ask myself, "Am I an evangelical?" If I am, then how do I justify the direction my life and beliefs have headed in over the past few years. If I'm not, then how do I deal with the ramifications of being an outsider in a club that I used to be the ultimate insider.
I just don't know.
Last Wednesday night at church I was sitting and thinking that the only reason I was there was because I was there the previous week, and the only thing that brought me there the previous week was my presence the week before that, and on and on and on. There was no inner conversation going on within me concerning ultimate issues, nor did I feel as if I was there as an act of faith. When I was younger I would have looked down on someone for this. Just going to church because it was the thing to do was an action that this Youth Group Spiritual Overchiever looked down on with scorn and shame. You might as well stay home.
The voice of the Youth Group Spiritual Overchiever has reentered conversations with himself, sans the piety. Now the voice says you are just here because it's the thing to do. You might as well stay at home because there is beer and your dog there.
But these ramblings aren't really even about church. They are about belief. What do I really believe and do I believe it enough to turn my belief into faith and my faith into action?
It has become acceptable these days to speak about how ok it is to doubt. Our sermon this morning was even about this. I think this is ok because so many in the Evangelical Movement (and really in many faith traditions) are discouraged, implicitly or otherwise, from doubting. John Mark spoke of how it's ok to doubt and question because it deepens your faith. I like this.
But to doubt you have to care and I've found on many days I wake up without even the ability or wherewithal to care. I speak a good doubt-faith-game, but when it comes down to it, I've lost all interest.
But I still believe, even if it's for wrong, and irrational (or a-rational) reasons. Lauren Sandler, in Righteous, spoke of those like me as people who say "This is the fairy tale I've chosen, and I'm sticking with it."
I know apologetics and if you want could prove the resurrection within a certain epistemological framework and can even sound an awful lot like a liberal who suggests that every faith is reaching out to the one true God. But at the end of many days, as at the end of this one, I'm just following the fairy tales of my forefathers and mothers.
The Youth Group Spiritual Overachiever whispers in my ear, "If you don't get your act together, hell awaits."
The emergent conversationalist whispers in my ear, "It's ok if you doubt."
I answer back, can I just go to bed and worry about this another day?
It's taller than it ought to be
This pile of rubble and ruins"
-- Nichole Nordeman
It seems about once a week these days that a new book whose subject is American Evangelicalism comes across my path. As is usually the case when there is a resurgence in interest of a particular subject, I read one and the rest just seems to say the same thing but in a different way and chronicling another angle. As I mentioned a few weeks ago I read Lauren Sandler's Righteous: Dispatches from the Evangelical Youth Movement. Since then this and this and this have all come across my path and I can't help but think how there has never been something that is such a large part of my life been of interest to the public at large as right now.
Until several years ago I heard the word evangelical and thought, more or less, of someone who is a Christian and who thought everyone else should be as well. That has remained steady but now it seems to mean so much more and I have come to a fork in the road where I have to ask myself, "Am I an evangelical?" If I am, then how do I justify the direction my life and beliefs have headed in over the past few years. If I'm not, then how do I deal with the ramifications of being an outsider in a club that I used to be the ultimate insider.
I just don't know.
Last Wednesday night at church I was sitting and thinking that the only reason I was there was because I was there the previous week, and the only thing that brought me there the previous week was my presence the week before that, and on and on and on. There was no inner conversation going on within me concerning ultimate issues, nor did I feel as if I was there as an act of faith. When I was younger I would have looked down on someone for this. Just going to church because it was the thing to do was an action that this Youth Group Spiritual Overchiever looked down on with scorn and shame. You might as well stay home.
The voice of the Youth Group Spiritual Overchiever has reentered conversations with himself, sans the piety. Now the voice says you are just here because it's the thing to do. You might as well stay at home because there is beer and your dog there.
But these ramblings aren't really even about church. They are about belief. What do I really believe and do I believe it enough to turn my belief into faith and my faith into action?
It has become acceptable these days to speak about how ok it is to doubt. Our sermon this morning was even about this. I think this is ok because so many in the Evangelical Movement (and really in many faith traditions) are discouraged, implicitly or otherwise, from doubting. John Mark spoke of how it's ok to doubt and question because it deepens your faith. I like this.
But to doubt you have to care and I've found on many days I wake up without even the ability or wherewithal to care. I speak a good doubt-faith-game, but when it comes down to it, I've lost all interest.
But I still believe, even if it's for wrong, and irrational (or a-rational) reasons. Lauren Sandler, in Righteous, spoke of those like me as people who say "This is the fairy tale I've chosen, and I'm sticking with it."
I know apologetics and if you want could prove the resurrection within a certain epistemological framework and can even sound an awful lot like a liberal who suggests that every faith is reaching out to the one true God. But at the end of many days, as at the end of this one, I'm just following the fairy tales of my forefathers and mothers.
The Youth Group Spiritual Overachiever whispers in my ear, "If you don't get your act together, hell awaits."
The emergent conversationalist whispers in my ear, "It's ok if you doubt."
I answer back, can I just go to bed and worry about this another day?
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Politics...
Cory has asked that I share some of my thoughts on the political situations going on right now. I used to be so comfortable with this, but now I do it with fear and trembling. But I do have thoughts, so I'll share them. I hope he doesn't mind, but I"m going to quote from his email.
I'll just go ahead and say right off the bad that I'm not riding any ships and will not be apologetic for any unethical, or illegal behavior. Mark Foley (presumably under pressure from the GOP) resigned immediately upon the news breaking. This seems to be a point that has been lost but that the Republican party should get some credit for. It may seem a little childlike, and overly reactive, to immediately want to pull out the Clinton-Lewinsky card, but I think the contrast between how each situation was handled by the political parties are quite telling. This would be illegal, while Clinton's contact with Lewinsky wasn't. But both are equally unethical. In one case, the guilty party resigned immediately. In another, the guilty party refused to accept responsibility for his actions and fought against consequences tooth and nail.
If the facts come out that Foley had a sexual relationship with a minor, and that was known by House leadership, then anyone who knew about it and didn't report it should resign (and be prosecuted.) This includes the Republican AND Democratic leadership. It appears that Foley's indiscretions were suspected for a while by many. If the Republicans suppressed the information and didn't do anything about it, they were wrong and should pay for the possible damage that could have been done to other minors. But the same goes for the Democratic leadership. If they knew abou this months ago (and it appears they did) then they are just as morally repugnant for waiting a month before the elections to say anything about it. If this is the case, then both parties put minor's at risk and should be held accountable.
I think if the torture bill and Foley scandal has done anything, it's proven that the Republican party is NOT the party of people who remain loyal at all costs. Bush's wanting to rewrite the Geneva Convention was not stopped by just some random moderate Republicans, but by three prominent conservative Republicans. Bush is supporting Hastert, but you can rest assured that if it comes out that he knew about specific illegal behavior and did nothing about it, it will be the Religious Right who is the first who speaks out against it. I can say all sorts of ill about that wing of my party, but one thing I cannot question is their consistency.
The ironic thing about all this, is that I think it might actually save the Republican majority in the House. I think the reason Hastert took responsibility, but didn't resign, is to keep the Foley story in the news. It's advantageous to have Americans interested in a sexual pervert. Why? Because that sexual pervert has resigned and is being investigated by the FBI and no one believes the Republicans support him. So while people are thinking about him, what are they not thinking about? The hundreds of people dying in Iraq every week. Before this story broke, CNN was giving me an hour-by-hour count of people dying. Now all I'm hearing is about whether or not a resigned congressman made a 17 year old page "a little horny."
Oh, and the Dow Jones is up and gas prices down.
In other news, did anyone catch the Texas Governor's debate last night? It was simply unbearable. Even the candidate I'll be voting for, Kinky Friedman, sounded like a broken record. Hats off to the journalists who conducted the debate. There was a round where they asked the candidates questions about their Texas knowledge. Chris Bell was given the biggest, slowest softball of the night..."When was the battle of the Alamo?" It appeared he didn't know the answer and didn't really answer but rather sort of asked, "Uh, 1836?" Congratulations, you paid attention in 7th grade social studies. Friedman was asked what tuition was at UT, something that no one except a student and parent would know, and answered a like a seasoned politian..."Yeah, it's too high." Perry was asked the hardest question, which was what the avery mortgage rate is. He guessed 5.9 to 6 percent. The answer is 6.3 percent. Not bad. Carol Keeton Strayhorn was asked who the newly elected president of Mexico was, and couldn't answer it. Good luck, grandma.
Alright, back to my non-political, warm-fuzzy life.
With all that has happened to the Republican party over the past couple weeks – torture bill, Mark Foley and the fallout in the House, etc – what is your take? It seems to me that there is some major corruption and hypocrisy going on, especially when you actually listen to what’s coming out of their mouths (Wallis and Campolo have good blogs on this). And too many Republicans are looking the other way (since they have the power) and not confronting evil (though some are). Are you going to ride this ship til it reaches the shore or sinks? Being apologetic for them? Are you Republican idealistically and therefore able to renounce their behavior?
I'll just go ahead and say right off the bad that I'm not riding any ships and will not be apologetic for any unethical, or illegal behavior. Mark Foley (presumably under pressure from the GOP) resigned immediately upon the news breaking. This seems to be a point that has been lost but that the Republican party should get some credit for. It may seem a little childlike, and overly reactive, to immediately want to pull out the Clinton-Lewinsky card, but I think the contrast between how each situation was handled by the political parties are quite telling. This would be illegal, while Clinton's contact with Lewinsky wasn't. But both are equally unethical. In one case, the guilty party resigned immediately. In another, the guilty party refused to accept responsibility for his actions and fought against consequences tooth and nail.
If the facts come out that Foley had a sexual relationship with a minor, and that was known by House leadership, then anyone who knew about it and didn't report it should resign (and be prosecuted.) This includes the Republican AND Democratic leadership. It appears that Foley's indiscretions were suspected for a while by many. If the Republicans suppressed the information and didn't do anything about it, they were wrong and should pay for the possible damage that could have been done to other minors. But the same goes for the Democratic leadership. If they knew abou this months ago (and it appears they did) then they are just as morally repugnant for waiting a month before the elections to say anything about it. If this is the case, then both parties put minor's at risk and should be held accountable.
I think if the torture bill and Foley scandal has done anything, it's proven that the Republican party is NOT the party of people who remain loyal at all costs. Bush's wanting to rewrite the Geneva Convention was not stopped by just some random moderate Republicans, but by three prominent conservative Republicans. Bush is supporting Hastert, but you can rest assured that if it comes out that he knew about specific illegal behavior and did nothing about it, it will be the Religious Right who is the first who speaks out against it. I can say all sorts of ill about that wing of my party, but one thing I cannot question is their consistency.
The ironic thing about all this, is that I think it might actually save the Republican majority in the House. I think the reason Hastert took responsibility, but didn't resign, is to keep the Foley story in the news. It's advantageous to have Americans interested in a sexual pervert. Why? Because that sexual pervert has resigned and is being investigated by the FBI and no one believes the Republicans support him. So while people are thinking about him, what are they not thinking about? The hundreds of people dying in Iraq every week. Before this story broke, CNN was giving me an hour-by-hour count of people dying. Now all I'm hearing is about whether or not a resigned congressman made a 17 year old page "a little horny."
Oh, and the Dow Jones is up and gas prices down.
In other news, did anyone catch the Texas Governor's debate last night? It was simply unbearable. Even the candidate I'll be voting for, Kinky Friedman, sounded like a broken record. Hats off to the journalists who conducted the debate. There was a round where they asked the candidates questions about their Texas knowledge. Chris Bell was given the biggest, slowest softball of the night..."When was the battle of the Alamo?" It appeared he didn't know the answer and didn't really answer but rather sort of asked, "Uh, 1836?" Congratulations, you paid attention in 7th grade social studies. Friedman was asked what tuition was at UT, something that no one except a student and parent would know, and answered a like a seasoned politian..."Yeah, it's too high." Perry was asked the hardest question, which was what the avery mortgage rate is. He guessed 5.9 to 6 percent. The answer is 6.3 percent. Not bad. Carol Keeton Strayhorn was asked who the newly elected president of Mexico was, and couldn't answer it. Good luck, grandma.
Alright, back to my non-political, warm-fuzzy life.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Can't Keep it In...
One of the greatest things about owning a puppy is that she urinates when I come home from a long day. Everyone should have a friend who gets so excited to see you that they pee on themselves.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Why I Love this Town #2...
Dorothy Clark and her husband were missionaries for the IMB ("before they went bad," she'll tell you) in Taiwan for many years. Around ten years ago they moved home because of his health. He passed away shortly after. Dorothy, in her early 70's, speaks of her late husband as if she is still a 16 year old school girl with a crush on the quarterback. When she speaks of him dying she tells me she still gets so angry at him for leaving. The years and the grief have taken a toll on her body and it can be seen in her shaking and difficulty getting around. But she does get around and if you ever want to see my face light up just have her walk through the front door of Barnes and Noble while I'm working.
Mrs. Clark belongs to 7th and James Baptist church in Waco and is proud of the fact that her church parking lot has the most amount of bumper stickers advertising liberal political candidates as any church in town. We were talking one day and she pointed out a book about the Iraq war. "Isn't this war horrible?" she asked. I replied, "It has certainly become horrible." She pinched my side, gave me a mischievous smile and said "It's been horrible from the beginning and you know it. When are you going to admit you're more liberal than you pretend to be?" Dorothy Clark is proud to be a Democrat and, when she is up to it, marches with Cindy Sheehan during the summer protest season. Her beliefs are held close to her heart, but I never feel condescension when it is pointed out that we differ.
Today Mrs. Clark came into the store when we were busy. My face did light up as I yelled hello across the store to her, but my actions showed I was too busy to talk. She told me she knew I was busy, she just wanted to come in and ask me how my new puppy was doing. It was as if she was walking down the sidewalk in Mayberry and decided to stop into the police station to pay Andy a visit. But it's not that easy to get to Barnes and Noble, especially if you are elderly. Do you realize how special that makes me feel? That lady knows how to make me feel like a rock star.
Reason #2 I love this town: People like Dorothy Clark who know the most important thing to say when you lose a loved one is "I'm so sorry," has lived well for so long and still laughs about little things, and who does not look down on me for voting Republican. I raise my glass and say you make Waco worth living in.
Mrs. Clark belongs to 7th and James Baptist church in Waco and is proud of the fact that her church parking lot has the most amount of bumper stickers advertising liberal political candidates as any church in town. We were talking one day and she pointed out a book about the Iraq war. "Isn't this war horrible?" she asked. I replied, "It has certainly become horrible." She pinched my side, gave me a mischievous smile and said "It's been horrible from the beginning and you know it. When are you going to admit you're more liberal than you pretend to be?" Dorothy Clark is proud to be a Democrat and, when she is up to it, marches with Cindy Sheehan during the summer protest season. Her beliefs are held close to her heart, but I never feel condescension when it is pointed out that we differ.
Today Mrs. Clark came into the store when we were busy. My face did light up as I yelled hello across the store to her, but my actions showed I was too busy to talk. She told me she knew I was busy, she just wanted to come in and ask me how my new puppy was doing. It was as if she was walking down the sidewalk in Mayberry and decided to stop into the police station to pay Andy a visit. But it's not that easy to get to Barnes and Noble, especially if you are elderly. Do you realize how special that makes me feel? That lady knows how to make me feel like a rock star.
Reason #2 I love this town: People like Dorothy Clark who know the most important thing to say when you lose a loved one is "I'm so sorry," has lived well for so long and still laughs about little things, and who does not look down on me for voting Republican. I raise my glass and say you make Waco worth living in.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Another ITunes Playlist Post (Inspired by a Sunday evening bottle of Shiner)...
I think regardless of where I stray musically, I will always be at home with country music. And I say that without qualifications. None of this "I hate country music, except for the REAL stuff like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson." The entire genre taps into my soul and is the voice for my feelings.
Here's what I'm listening to...
Want To by Sugarland-- I love Sugarland and have yet to hear from any of the authorities to find out if they are legit country or not. I'm not sure if the fact could be disputed. Jennifer Nettle's voice is like sweet tea from my maw maw's kitchen, and the melody of this young love song walks you through the woods like on a Sunday afternoon. It's inspiring me to be bold. :) (Perhaps more on that later?)
Good Old Boys Like Me by Don Williams-- Many of my readers' only exposure to Don Williams was from a drunken karoake rendition of his classic "I believe in Love," by one of the groomsmen at Blake's wedding. If you asked me to name my top five singers of all time, Don Williams would be on the list. There is a kind of content resignation to the simple life in this song. This is vintage stuff. I've long said George Jones is the next guy the young 'uns latch on to, but if I'm proven wrong my next guess will be Don Williams.
"I can still hear the soft southern winds in the live oak tree/ And those Williams boys they still mean a lot to me/ (Hank and Tennesse)/ I guess we're all going to be what we're going to be/ So what do you do with good old boys like me?"
Dolly Parton's rendition of In the Sweet By and By-- All jokes about her large breasts aside, Dolly Parton is an American treasure. Hearing this helps me latch on to my old beliefs about heaven, and makes them my new beliefs about heaven. I believe when I get there Dolly's voice will be prominent. Of all the songs on this list, download this one.
Highwayman by The Highwaymen-- Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristoferson, and Waylon Jennings. Can anything be bad about this combination? This is the ultimate song of ruggedness, meant bo be listened to, well, on the Highway.
Coward of the County by Kenny Rogers-- I think Kenny Rogers is one of the greatest storytellers ever. On surface level this seems like nothing more than an old time barroom brawl song. But there is actually social commentary lingering around every corner of this song. If you want a good discussion of pacifism and just war, play this song. If you don't want to go that deep, it's still just a damn good song. Some of the greatest lyrics ever is in the line "...but you could have heard a pin drop when Tommy stopped to lock the door." I get chills every time I hear that.
Seven Year Ache by Rosanne Cash-- I may have mentioned this before, but I believe this is probably the most underrated songs in the history of the genre. I think Cash got shunned by the Nashville establishment because she wasn't enough like her dad, which was ironic since the shunned him in the beginning for not being enough like other country singers. Rosanne is one of the most gifted songwriters and this song is her crown jewel.
__________
My melancholy will make this a country music week.
Here's what I'm listening to...
Want To by Sugarland-- I love Sugarland and have yet to hear from any of the authorities to find out if they are legit country or not. I'm not sure if the fact could be disputed. Jennifer Nettle's voice is like sweet tea from my maw maw's kitchen, and the melody of this young love song walks you through the woods like on a Sunday afternoon. It's inspiring me to be bold. :) (Perhaps more on that later?)
Good Old Boys Like Me by Don Williams-- Many of my readers' only exposure to Don Williams was from a drunken karoake rendition of his classic "I believe in Love," by one of the groomsmen at Blake's wedding. If you asked me to name my top five singers of all time, Don Williams would be on the list. There is a kind of content resignation to the simple life in this song. This is vintage stuff. I've long said George Jones is the next guy the young 'uns latch on to, but if I'm proven wrong my next guess will be Don Williams.
"I can still hear the soft southern winds in the live oak tree/ And those Williams boys they still mean a lot to me/ (Hank and Tennesse)/ I guess we're all going to be what we're going to be/ So what do you do with good old boys like me?"
Dolly Parton's rendition of In the Sweet By and By-- All jokes about her large breasts aside, Dolly Parton is an American treasure. Hearing this helps me latch on to my old beliefs about heaven, and makes them my new beliefs about heaven. I believe when I get there Dolly's voice will be prominent. Of all the songs on this list, download this one.
Highwayman by The Highwaymen-- Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristoferson, and Waylon Jennings. Can anything be bad about this combination? This is the ultimate song of ruggedness, meant bo be listened to, well, on the Highway.
Coward of the County by Kenny Rogers-- I think Kenny Rogers is one of the greatest storytellers ever. On surface level this seems like nothing more than an old time barroom brawl song. But there is actually social commentary lingering around every corner of this song. If you want a good discussion of pacifism and just war, play this song. If you don't want to go that deep, it's still just a damn good song. Some of the greatest lyrics ever is in the line "...but you could have heard a pin drop when Tommy stopped to lock the door." I get chills every time I hear that.
Seven Year Ache by Rosanne Cash-- I may have mentioned this before, but I believe this is probably the most underrated songs in the history of the genre. I think Cash got shunned by the Nashville establishment because she wasn't enough like her dad, which was ironic since the shunned him in the beginning for not being enough like other country singers. Rosanne is one of the most gifted songwriters and this song is her crown jewel.
__________
My melancholy will make this a country music week.
No One Can Find the Rewind...
I look at the clock and see it's 2 a.m. and several things come to mind
I can't remember the last time I've been awake at this hour
It is now October
And I can't believe it is now October
Again
October has come around, again, and there are times I believe
And times I can't believe
What happened
And then there's the 2 a.m. (Breathe) song and I'm reminded what I've wanted to tell you
Be not fooled by the popularity of Grey's Anatomy
It is good, and here is why:
"The End of the World" and "As We Know it"
Also known as the Super Bowl Episodes
Still haunt me
The 2 a.m. (Breathe) song brings me back to the crisis
The crisis was a silly plot about a bomb
But the Grey's writers know something besides silly bomb plots
They know death
I watch in silent reverence at how they capture the air around death
Sometimes my throat tightens, I can hardly stand it
There is sex and silliness and a healthy dose of character development
But I watch because when October left last year I had to remind myself to Breathe
At 2 a.m.
But back to my belief and my disbelief
When it's 2 a.m. and I've decided not to lose any more sleep on the sermon to be given tomorrow, at that tiny church
And dig through old files for old sermons given at different old churches
I run across a file that reads "Kyle- Eulogy"
What?
Kyle?
Eulogy?
I wonder what that is all about.
And I can't believe.
There are also times when people do things that are only done when someone has died
And I get angry at their kindness because it bitch slaps me into believing
So I write poems
And try to cope with the guilt of "moving on"
And being angry with those who are backing up
And breathing better than I
In the end I want to choose how I handle this
I want to pick the times to cry and I want to pick the people to walk with me
But life does not afford these opportunities
2:30 a.m. and I'm still awake, writing a blog
Naked, in front of the crowd
You'll use them however you want to
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind.
I can't remember the last time I've been awake at this hour
It is now October
And I can't believe it is now October
Again
October has come around, again, and there are times I believe
And times I can't believe
What happened
And then there's the 2 a.m. (Breathe) song and I'm reminded what I've wanted to tell you
Be not fooled by the popularity of Grey's Anatomy
It is good, and here is why:
"The End of the World" and "As We Know it"
Also known as the Super Bowl Episodes
Still haunt me
The 2 a.m. (Breathe) song brings me back to the crisis
The crisis was a silly plot about a bomb
But the Grey's writers know something besides silly bomb plots
They know death
I watch in silent reverence at how they capture the air around death
Sometimes my throat tightens, I can hardly stand it
There is sex and silliness and a healthy dose of character development
But I watch because when October left last year I had to remind myself to Breathe
At 2 a.m.
But back to my belief and my disbelief
When it's 2 a.m. and I've decided not to lose any more sleep on the sermon to be given tomorrow, at that tiny church
And dig through old files for old sermons given at different old churches
I run across a file that reads "Kyle- Eulogy"
What?
Kyle?
Eulogy?
I wonder what that is all about.
And I can't believe.
There are also times when people do things that are only done when someone has died
And I get angry at their kindness because it bitch slaps me into believing
So I write poems
And try to cope with the guilt of "moving on"
And being angry with those who are backing up
And breathing better than I
In the end I want to choose how I handle this
I want to pick the times to cry and I want to pick the people to walk with me
But life does not afford these opportunities
2:30 a.m. and I'm still awake, writing a blog
Naked, in front of the crowd
You'll use them however you want to
Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind.
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